That’s Some Heady Shit, Brah (or: you are a unique snowflake)

It’s taken some time for me to process what happened during training yesterday, and while the title of this post is certainly making fun, it is in no way intended to discount the gravity of what we all experienced.

A little context for the situation: yesterday was a lecture based session. We learned about the philosophy of flow, we learned about the concept of a guru, and that of a kula (tribe) and that of a guru kula, in which each member of the tribe’s gifts start to emerge. Within our kula, on any given day, any one of us could be the teacher depending on the challenge and who’s strengths would best meet that challenge.

We learned about our dharma, or our highest alignment of purpose, not our divine purpose (god-given talents) – because you can easily walk away from a gift. But that thing that calls out to your soul, that makes your heart sing, that’s your dharma.

We learned the difference between a dual system ( transcendent, classical yoga in which the physical body is a problem to be solved and man is moving through various stages of enlightenment in pursuit of that goal), a non-dual system (essentially what happened in the 60s – it’s all LOVE, man!), and a paradoxical (Tantric) system in which this can me this and that. We experienced meditations from each yogic tradition.

When we got to the dual meditation, we went into a manta of neti-neti – translated as ‘not this, not that.’ After a few minutes of going through what I am not: I am not my job, I am not my parents, I am not a tuna sandwich, I am not a failure, I am not a shoelace, neti-neti, neti-neti, neti-neti…. I began to wonder, what the hell am I???

As I spoke to myself, I began to feel a pressure around my heart, followed by a pressure around my head, alternating, keeping time with my declarations of not-ness, until I realized  - in true Fight Club fashion – I am Catie’s Eternal Head / Heart Conflict. Head, heart, head, heart, head, heart. It was hypnotic, until it stopped, for the briefest of moments, and I began to panic. Then, ever so slightly, I felt the pressure return. I felt my heart…and my head begin to pulse together, as if to tell me that I didn’t have to choose one or the other, I didn’t have to align myself exclusively with my heart or my head, but that on any given day, I am my own guru kula, and at any moment my heart or my head could be my teacher.

As I opened my eyes and came out of my trance, Shannon asked if anyone had experienced anything interesting. Wellllll… uh, define interesting. As I shared my experience, two things happened: my body temperature rose about 5 degrees in as many seconds, and Shannon announced to the class that they had just witnessed someone’s entire world view shift. I left class in a daze (and a mild sweat), unable to process exactly what had just happened. I came home, ate dinner, got in bed and passed out. I woke up this morning, pen in hand, and as my words began to give shape to my experience, I saw things so clearly. When we remove all the things that we are not, we are left only with the purest essence of who we are, and we are forced into all of our brilliance, amazement, and beauty, and we cannot help but be successful in doing so. You may not do such a great job of trying to be someone else, or fulfilling the expectations that others have for you, but no one will ever be more successful than you, at being you.

Onward + Inward.

Garbage In, Garbage Out (Yoga in, Yoga out?)

Last night was the first night of training, and it was stressful, to say the least. For all my thunder about not setting expectations, I was forced to confront a few right off the bat. My yoga was not perfect, my hips were crazy tight from four days in the car, I forgot my towel and my hands were all over the place. My head, however, was right there on my mat. I have no idea what anyone else in that room looked like, what they were doing, whether or not they were struggling too. It  was almost like I was in that room by myself… with four teachers who offered plentiful adjustments.

But I got through the ‘I suck’ and the ‘you want me to put my hip where‘ and the alarming realization that I really had no idea how to updog, and I saw that I’m not terrible at yoga, but these teachers are AMAZING. Really incredible, cutting edge, on it, with it, in it, amazing. When I told her about it, a friend of mine said, ‘yeah, I bet those girls don’t fuck around.’ They most definitely do not.

And, WOW. This is why I couldn’t even conceive of how things were going to be here, because it is so much more that I could have imagined. We can only come up with what we already know, and I knew that say, Shiva Rea, does yoga like this, but me? Nah. But I said that I was tired of things in my life being medium, I wanted adventure and excitement, and I got it.

All of my OMG’s out of the way, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long, long time. The yogabuzz. My whole body was trembling – partially because my muscles were exhausted – but it was that electricity during savassana when you can feel every cell in your body, when you feel so completely alive. And that’s the energy you share when you do yoga, that’s the vibe that you put out, that’s what brings me back for more and more and more. Unfortunately, we had to talk about why we were there immediately after practice, and I know I blabbered, but I hope that I was at least funny, and I realized that I can’t hold back when it comes to yoga – it just forces things out. Sweat? Tears? Sure. Old habits, emotional baggage, outdated assumptions – most definitely. But for me, what won’t be kept in is the words. I can talk and write about yoga in a way that even I don’t understand sometimes. The words come from a place that I don’t even have to think about, they just flow out through my hands (and, if you’ve ever caught me after class, my mouth). And I love that, that flow. It’s as though the physical flow, the actual yoga that I do on my mat, encourages my creative flow, and simultaneously stems the flow of negativity that I subconsciously feed myself. Yoga is the regulatory force in my life, and I’m beginning to wonder how I ever lived without it.

Escaping Expectations

2100 miles. Countless used cell phone minutes. Chance run-ins and Cheerwine BBQ ribs. 6 tanks of gas. 5 plays of Mumford + Sons. 4 days on the road. 3 dropped calls. 2 books on tape. 1 very well behaved husky.

And now, 5,280 feet above sea level, 10 weeks and counting, 0 expectations.

While driving (and driving, and driving) this past week, I thought about how things have been for me over the last two years. I’ve been seeking, searching for something that I can’t quite put my finger on. A career? I had one. A relationship? I had that too. A nice apartment? Clothes? A car? Friends? I had all of those things, and yet, I wasn’t quite happy.  I was going through the motions, constantly disappointed, and confused as to the source of my unhappiness. I had fallen victim to my expectations. Rather than let things unfold, I always conjured up how I thought things would play out – what were the chances that I would be right?

I like making plans, but unfortunately, I tend to include outcomes in my plan making. I will do this, and then this will happen and I will feel like “X” about that. Maybe I was projecting how I hoped I’d feel or how I wanted things to play out, but in doing so how could I help but be disappointed? When I moved back to North Carolina, I expected that my friends, etc. would be as they had been when I left. I thought those relationships and the comforts they provided would be in the same state as they had been in 2003. I was not the same as I’d been in 2003, so how would that scenario even be possible? I was setting myself up for disappointment. I created false expectations for my job, living situation and relationship this past year. In retrospect, it was impossible for things to play out as I’d constructed them in my mind. This is not to say that there were no good times (there were many), but again, disappointment.

As I drove, I tried to think about my upcoming time in Boulder, my teacher training, my friends, where I would stay… and I stopped myself. I have no idea who is going to be in training with me. I don’t know what friends I’ll run into, who is still around, who may have written me off years ago. I don’t know where I’ll be staying next week, next month, next year. I don’t know where I’ll have my mail forwarded. I don’t know what my job situation is or what I’m going to do after my next paycheck clears. My parents asked what my plans were post-May when I finish training, and, while I’d normally have a slick answer prepared so as not to disappoint them with my lack of planning, this time I responded, “I don’t know.”

Rather than set up false expectations, I left the future open to possibility. I did it with my parents and I’m learning to do it with myself.

I’m just going to see how things play out.

No expectations, no disappointment, just movement and flow.

Onward + Upward!