full circle

There are things that we carry with us, reminders of the people we have known and loved, places we have been, things that we have done. These things can be physical, emotional or even energetic tokens of our past, and they stay with us to keep the lessons that we have learned present in our hearts. Like the seasons, they fall away when their time comes, sometimes with no warning, sometimes without our noticing, but either way we are left with room to carry more relevant souvenirs with us as we continue on the path.

I’ve gotten tattoos to remind me to love and stay present, universal messages that can always bear repeating. I wear certain jewelry to keep family members, friends and loves close. I am a big fan of talismans to protect, to support, to bring peace in times of stress. At the end of my 108 day practice last year, I bought a mala to celebrate my accomplishment. It seemed appropriate – 108 beads for my 108 days. I didn’t know at the time that I would be leaving Raleigh soon after, and the necklace would come to mean so much more to me. I’ve worn it everyday for the last year to remind me of my amazing teachers who taught me to love yoga, to remind me of the yoga that taught me to love myself, and to remind me of the self that is always there waiting to be loved. Things changed for me in a remarkable way as I moved through my mala, and I’m so glad that I chose to acknowledge that shift in my life.

I felt another shift begin to take shape last weekend as I saw the yoga that I do on my mat begin to catch up to the yoga that I feel in my heart. I could tell that I was stepping into a new progression of my life and was excited to have the opportunity to practice with Shiva Rea at a time when my practice felt so energized. Again, I felt it important to acknowledge the change and purchased a new mala. I felt so complete walking around with my teachers and my practices old and new wrapped securely around me…

…and then my first mala broke. Though I was concerned as to the meaning of this (no doubt) significant event, my teachers have assured me that it is a good thing, completing a cycle. All of the karma associated with that strand, the meaning it held for me, has come full circle. The timing seems especially appropriate given that I had already felt myself moving into a new cycle, and cements my belief that we are given what we need right when we need it, sometimes before.

This whole sequence of events seems so in time with the rhythm of my life right now and further confirms that I’m right when I’m supposed to be.

Onward!

Occasionally I have these moments in a yoga class that rip me open, in a good way. I’ve noticed over the course of the last week or so that things are changing, some tangible, some not so much. I feel like I’m moving through my life in a way that I never have. Everything feels so… embodied – like I just couldn’t be any more in it. I’m not sure when the shift came, but I feel it all over. I have visions of stepping into my life in a way that doesn’t require that I power through anything, that doesn’t even require that I try to make things happen. All i have to do is trust that I will be able to stand in my own power and accept the things that are coming to me in this life, the gifts, the responsibilities, the challenges, the love, the work, the people, myself. I can stand in this world, open and capable.

I had a vision in savasana this morning, of myself in reverse warrior, open to and accepting of both that which I will encounter in this life from external sources and from myself. The image of this pose has stayed with me because it is so strong and yet so exposed. It is such an amazing space to occupy because you are both assertive and vulnerable at the same time. We maintain our boundaries and stand firmly within them, but are open to that which will flow through and around us.

I realized as I lay there at rest, that all that I will have to do to succeed will be to trust myself. To trust, not to try. ‘Do or do not, there is no try,’ a wise man once said, trying is just effort without certainty. Trust is understanding of and confidence in your own experience, trusting lets the action come to you, knowing that you can handle what is on its way as you stand strong, ready, waiting to take it on.

After the flash that I will, indeed, be able to trust myself, that I will succeed, came the falling away of that which has protected me from the world for all these years, the defense of my effort, the defense of my artifice and I grieved the loss of that protection. I couldn’t help the tears, and while they made me slightly self conscious, I knew that my first act of trust would be to simply show my face, and I opened my eyes to face the room of amazing folks with whom I’d just shared my practice and I smiled. Moments like these make my heart happy.