I’ve gotten tattoos to remind me to love and stay present, universal messages that can always bear repeating. I wear certain jewelry to keep family members, friends and loves close. I am a big fan of talismans to protect, to support, to bring peace in times of stress. At the end of my 108 day practice last year, I bought a mala to celebrate my accomplishment. It seemed appropriate – 108 beads for my 108 days. I didn’t know at the time that I would be leaving Raleigh soon after, and the necklace would come to mean so much more to me. I’ve worn it everyday for the last year to remind me of my amazing teachers who taught me to love yoga, to remind me of the yoga that taught me to love myself, and to remind me of the self that is always there waiting to be loved. Things changed for me in a remarkable way as I moved through my mala, and I’m so glad that I chose to acknowledge that shift in my life.

I felt another shift begin to take shape last weekend as I saw the yoga that I do on my mat begin to catch up to the yoga that I feel in my heart. I could tell that I was stepping into a new progression of my life and was excited to have the opportunity to practice with Shiva Rea at a time when my practice felt so energized. Again, I felt it important to acknowledge the change and purchased a new mala. I felt so complete walking around with my teachers and my practices old and new wrapped securely around me…

…and then my first mala broke. Though I was concerned as to the meaning of this (no doubt) significant event, my teachers have assured me that it is a good thing, completing a cycle. All of the karma associated with that strand, the meaning it held for me, has come full circle. The timing seems especially appropriate given that I had already felt myself moving into a new cycle, and cements my belief that we are given what we need right when we need it, sometimes before.

This whole sequence of events seems so in time with the rhythm of my life right now and further confirms that I’m right when I’m supposed to be.

Onward!

I had a vision in savasana this morning, of myself in reverse warrior, open to and accepting of both that which I will encounter in this life from external sources and from myself. The image of this pose has stayed with me because it is so strong and yet so exposed. It is such an amazing space to occupy because you are both assertive and vulnerable at the same time. We maintain our boundaries and stand firmly within them, but are open to that which will flow through and around us.

I realized as I lay there at rest, that all that I will have to do to succeed will be to trust myself. To trust, not to try. ‘Do or do not, there is no try,’ a wise man once said, trying is just effort without certainty. Trust is understanding of and confidence in your own experience, trusting lets the action come to you, knowing that you can handle what is on its way as you stand strong, ready, waiting to take it on.

After the flash that I will, indeed, be able to trust myself, that I will succeed, came the falling away of that which has protected me from the world for all these years, the defense of my effort, the defense of my artifice and I grieved the loss of that protection. I couldn’t help the tears, and while they made me slightly self conscious, I knew that my first act of trust would be to simply show my face, and I opened my eyes to face the room of amazing folks with whom I’d just shared my practice and I smiled. Moments like these make my heart happy.

There might be a lot of things wrong with Charlie Sheen (DUH), but at least he’s got a positive outlook and can spin whatever happens into a win. I’m not so much into the delusional part, but celebrating small victories? That I can get behind.

I had quite the day yesterday. You’d think I’d be used to the emotional self-confrontations, breakdowns, life lessons, etc. but I’m somehow always surprised when ‘ow, my hip hurts in this pose’ turns into a teary ‘blah- blah-blah as a child.’ I had a lot to sort through when I got home, and was looking forward to an evening on the sofa finishing up some homework and drinking tea to recover. Unfortunately, as soon as I opened my laptop, my host’s disgruntled cat walked into the living room, looked me straight in the eyes, turned it’s ass to my duffel bag and peed all over my stuff. {cue meltdown}

While my first inclination was to freak out, I didn’t have time for that little luxury. Fortunately, I have some really great friends in Boulder (#WINNING), one of whom has a futon (#WINNING).

I have another job interview today (#WINNING), which puts me one step closer to being able to get my own place (also #WINNING)

I have an amazing community of folks to go through all of this with in my fellow Tillai hOMies, (#WINNING), and an amazing studio full of amazing teachers and incredible classes (#WINNINGx3).

SO, in spite of the fact that my duffel smells like cat pee, I’ve got plenty of #tigerblood to get me through the setbacks.

Life is full of bumps and challenges, but sometimes, that’s the point. The hard times give you an opportunity to come out with a big win. So thanks, Charlie Sheen, for this unexpected wisdom.

Defeat is not an option. It’s ON!

if you need some context….
http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xhdm0r

In keeping with my earlier post about naming what we are not in order to get down to who we are, I inadvertently conducted a little experiment. Dissatisfied with my mat, I purchased a new one. Convinced that it would solve all the world’s problems, I took it with me to class last night. After slipping all over the place, covering myself in a rubbery smelling funk, and reawakening the excitement that is a latex allergy, I had only solved one problem: my dissatisfaction with my (read: super sticky, super cushy, totally latex-free) mat (of amazement).

Two big lessons here. The first, sometimes you don’t know how good you have it. That old adage, the grass is always greener? Well, as per yoga and as per my class last night, the mat is not always stickier. A stickier mat isn’t the solution to my asana issues anyway, a stronger set of arms is, and that’s on me, not Manduka. Second lesson, you may look across the room and see someone else’s mat / practice / etc. and think ‘I want that.’ But the part you don’t see, is what got them there – the history behind their behind, if that’s what you’re coveting. I’ve seen plenty of people with the ‘new mat’ that was to be my savior, but it wasn’t really the mat that I wanted, it was the perfect ardha chandrasana. How could I know that the reason they could stand facing their future and supported by their past, in perfect alignment with the present of the pose had nothing to do with the thin layer of rubber beneath their feet? (I’m exaggerating, but you get my point). We all come to our mats from a unique set of experiences that no one else has. What I learned last night was that no matter how much I’d like to do a handstand right now, that’s just not where I am and wishing that I could trade places with someone who is there, who can kick right up into some crazy pose, well, a lifetime of work for five breaths upside down? that doesn’t exactly seem like a fair trade.

So today, I return the mat-that-would-solve-all-my-problems, and go back to working on my down dog, and myself, one day at a time.

I did not break free, but instead I gave in to my frustration, to my basest emotional nature, and hated every minute we spent in the stupid pose. I felt as though I were banging my head against a wall, over and over and over and wondering why my head had started to hurt. I realized that I had two options: I could change my approach, or I could change my expectation.

Interestingly, and not surprisingly, there is a situation off the mat that feels just as heavy. My finances have always been a problem for me, and they quite literally hold me down sometimes. I just bear the burden and trudge through paying my bills, hating the last few days of the month because I know what is coming. I see the parallel between what’s going on with me on and off the mat, and I’m hoping, praying, that when one situation resolves, the other will follow suit. That’s not to say that as soon as I solve my financial issues I will suddenly find myself in the fullest expression of the pose-that-shall-not-be-named, but that the extra stress and worry that surround it may be alleviated somewhat. And, on the flip side, if one day I find that I can, in fact push up into this oppressive asana, I know that the strength I find there will serve me in other ways as well.

In both scenarios, I have to change how I am doing things. Maybe in the pose I need to activate my core to achieve a better result and with regard to money I need to be clearer about my priorities. Either way, given that I’m not willing to let go of the expectation of success, I need to change my approach if I am going to achieve something greater.

So here’s to looking at things differently, getting creative and pressing forward towards success.

Onward + Upward!

A little context for the situation: yesterday was a lecture based session. We learned about the philosophy of flow, we learned about the concept of a guru, and that of a kula (tribe) and that of a guru kula, in which each member of the tribe’s gifts start to emerge. Within our kula, on any given day, any one of us could be the teacher depending on the challenge and who’s strengths would best meet that challenge.

We learned about our dharma, or our highest alignment of purpose, not our divine purpose (god-given talents) – because you can easily walk away from a gift. But that thing that calls out to your soul, that makes your heart sing, that’s your dharma.

We learned the difference between a dual system ( transcendent, classical yoga in which the physical body is a problem to be solved and man is moving through various stages of enlightenment in pursuit of that goal), a non-dual system (essentially what happened in the 60s – it’s all LOVE, man!), and a paradoxical (Tantric) system in which this can me this and that. We experienced meditations from each yogic tradition.

When we got to the dual meditation, we went into a manta of neti-neti – translated as ‘not this, not that.’ After a few minutes of going through what I am not: I am not my job, I am not my parents, I am not a tuna sandwich, I am not a failure, I am not a shoelace, neti-neti, neti-neti, neti-neti…. I began to wonder, what the hell am I???

As I spoke to myself, I began to feel a pressure around my heart, followed by a pressure around my head, alternating, keeping time with my declarations of not-ness, until I realized  - in true Fight Club fashion – I am Catie’s Eternal Head / Heart Conflict. Head, heart, head, heart, head, heart. It was hypnotic, until it stopped, for the briefest of moments, and I began to panic. Then, ever so slightly, I felt the pressure return. I felt my heart…and my head begin to pulse together, as if to tell me that I didn’t have to choose one or the other, I didn’t have to align myself exclusively with my heart or my head, but that on any given day, I am my own guru kula, and at any moment my heart or my head could be my teacher.

As I opened my eyes and came out of my trance, Shannon asked if anyone had experienced anything interesting. Wellllll… uh, define interesting. As I shared my experience, two things happened: my body temperature rose about 5 degrees in as many seconds, and Shannon announced to the class that they had just witnessed someone’s entire world view shift. I left class in a daze (and a mild sweat), unable to process exactly what had just happened. I came home, ate dinner, got in bed and passed out. I woke up this morning, pen in hand, and as my words began to give shape to my experience, I saw things so clearly. When we remove all the things that we are not, we are left only with the purest essence of who we are, and we are forced into all of our brilliance, amazement, and beauty, and we cannot help but be successful in doing so. You may not do such a great job of trying to be someone else, or fulfilling the expectations that others have for you, but no one will ever be more successful than you, at being you.

Onward + Inward.

But I got through the ‘I suck’ and the ‘you want me to put my hip where‘ and the alarming realization that I really had no idea how to updog, and I saw that I’m not terrible at yoga, but these teachers are AMAZING. Really incredible, cutting edge, on it, with it, in it, amazing. When I told her about it, a friend of mine said, ‘yeah, I bet those girls don’t fuck around.’ They most definitely do not.

And, WOW. This is why I couldn’t even conceive of how things were going to be here, because it is so much more that I could have imagined. We can only come up with what we already know, and I knew that say, Shiva Rea, does yoga like this, but me? Nah. But I said that I was tired of things in my life being medium, I wanted adventure and excitement, and I got it.

All of my OMG’s out of the way, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long, long time. The yogabuzz. My whole body was trembling – partially because my muscles were exhausted – but it was that electricity during savassana when you can feel every cell in your body, when you feel so completely alive. And that’s the energy you share when you do yoga, that’s the vibe that you put out, that’s what brings me back for more and more and more. Unfortunately, we had to talk about why we were there immediately after practice, and I know I blabbered, but I hope that I was at least funny, and I realized that I can’t hold back when it comes to yoga – it just forces things out. Sweat? Tears? Sure. Old habits, emotional baggage, outdated assumptions – most definitely. But for me, what won’t be kept in is the words. I can talk and write about yoga in a way that even I don’t understand sometimes. The words come from a place that I don’t even have to think about, they just flow out through my hands (and, if you’ve ever caught me after class, my mouth). And I love that, that flow. It’s as though the physical flow, the actual yoga that I do on my mat, encourages my creative flow, and simultaneously stems the flow of negativity that I subconsciously feed myself. Yoga is the regulatory force in my life, and I’m beginning to wonder how I ever lived without it.

And now, 5,280 feet above sea level, 10 weeks and counting, 0 expectations.

While driving (and driving, and driving) this past week, I thought about how things have been for me over the last two years. I’ve been seeking, searching for something that I can’t quite put my finger on. A career? I had one. A relationship? I had that too. A nice apartment? Clothes? A car? Friends? I had all of those things, and yet, I wasn’t quite happy.  I was going through the motions, constantly disappointed, and confused as to the source of my unhappiness. I had fallen victim to my expectations. Rather than let things unfold, I always conjured up how I thought things would play out – what were the chances that I would be right?

I like making plans, but unfortunately, I tend to include outcomes in my plan making. I will do this, and then this will happen and I will feel like “X” about that. Maybe I was projecting how I hoped I’d feel or how I wanted things to play out, but in doing so how could I help but be disappointed? When I moved back to North Carolina, I expected that my friends, etc. would be as they had been when I left. I thought those relationships and the comforts they provided would be in the same state as they had been in 2003. I was not the same as I’d been in 2003, so how would that scenario even be possible? I was setting myself up for disappointment. I created false expectations for my job, living situation and relationship this past year. In retrospect, it was impossible for things to play out as I’d constructed them in my mind. This is not to say that there were no good times (there were many), but again, disappointment.

As I drove, I tried to think about my upcoming time in Boulder, my teacher training, my friends, where I would stay… and I stopped myself. I have no idea who is going to be in training with me. I don’t know what friends I’ll run into, who is still around, who may have written me off years ago. I don’t know where I’ll be staying next week, next month, next year. I don’t know where I’ll have my mail forwarded. I don’t know what my job situation is or what I’m going to do after my next paycheck clears. My parents asked what my plans were post-May when I finish training, and, while I’d normally have a slick answer prepared so as not to disappoint them with my lack of planning, this time I responded, “I don’t know.”

Rather than set up false expectations, I left the future open to possibility. I did it with my parents and I’m learning to do it with myself.

I’m just going to see how things play out.

No expectations, no disappointment, just movement and flow.

Onward + Upward!

This winter, I was in the Denver airport, 2 years to. the. day. since i had last been there. It gave me goosebumps.

Tomorrow, I leave Baltimore one year to the day since I first came here. Again, creepy, but also awesome. I like clean beginnings and endings.

Stranger still, my subscription to Yoga Journal went missing when I left Raleigh in August. I have not received one single issue since I’ve lived in Maryland. Until today. One shows up in my mailbox the day before I head to Colorado to start teacher training. Are you freaked out yet?

Despite the weirdness, I jam on this type of thing. It gives me a sense of closure, of completion. The feeling I got in DIA said, ‘ you don’t know it yet, but you’ll be back, sister.’ And I am. The idea that I’m leaving Baltimore after exactly one year makes me think I’ve accomplished whatever it was I was meant to come here and do. Something learned, something gained, no matter how it played out. My copy of Yoga Journal showing up in my mailbox today says, ‘I’ve got an eye on you and you’re on the right track.’

As I curl up on my mattress in the middle of my empty apartment, coffee mug of champagne in hand, I have to say I’ve got a lot of love for the Mid-Atlantic after the last 6 months. I met some of amazing people, explored a new relationship, ate my fill of crab cakes and perfected my bloody mary recipe. Baltimore, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart.

Onward!

It could be as simple as throwing away an old t shirt (Phish tour ’94?), or as complicated as letting go of someone that I love , but when things and people that I’ve held close make their departure, they seem to create a vacuum that begs to be filled with something, anything, to make the emptiness go away. It’s the emptiness that gets me, that feeling that wants to reach out and grab the first thing I touch to fill the void. Just to make it stop.

Through yoga I am learning to breathe through that feeling, to remember the lesson of un-attachment, to let the experience wash over me and accept it for what it is, learn from it, move through it without looking to solve everything right away. If I can just give myself time to adjust, I will find the perfect thing to fill that new space and, until I do, it is not empty, but full of possibility.

That’s the thing about not knowing what’s next – it could be anything. That’s the thing about the flow, it keeps you guessing, it keeps things exciting, it guarantees that things will continue to move and that you will continue to grow. Knowing what’s coming limits your options and your ability to create your life. Knowing what’s coming stops you from asking ‘what if’ and reaching for bigger and better. Knowing is the opposite of dreaming, and I never want to stop dreaming.

Here’s to the blank page.