on the mat is a state of mind
I’m still recuperating from my class yesterday afternoon. I really liked my instructor – someone I hadn’t had before – she was great at giving instructions and talking us through poses so I could just work and not have to figure out what we were doing. I wasn’t feeling too hot – a little nauseous actually – and about an hour into class I was way deep into a forward fold, kind of tripping out on something and amazed by how far into the pose I was. I stood up and looked around and I had no idea where I was. I had no clue what everyone was doing (a completely different pose – btw) – and I started to kind of freak out. I couldn’t hear anything and I felt incredibly dizzy – like I was either going to throw up or black out. I went to the bathroom for lack of a better option, and tried to decide whether or not I was going to freak. After rinsing my face and staring in the mirror for a few minutes – I returned to class to suffer through the last twenty minutes or so, probably in pigeon. If I’m having a bad day, we’ll do pigeon pose forever. It’s a guarantee. i may have been really dehydrated – I may have let go of some serious emotional stuff stored in my lower back from an injury when I was in college. Either way, I faced something in that studio, and it scared the shit out of me.
Sometimes I wonder if we subconsciously resist change, if we resist moving forward in ways that are good for us, if there’s a part of ourselves that wants things to stay the same. I wonder if we create our own hurdles. I took some time away from yoga last week to work and I’ve felt off kilter since I changed my routine. Last friday, my head was a mess, sunday I almost pass out, tonight I was solid except for my feet – my balances were all over the place. It’s as though I have to pick up the pieces and start all over. I’m happy to do that especially if I start to feel like I’m moving forward again, but I wonder if I am somehow holding myself back. If I could just let it all go, would I succeed in ways I never thought possible?